Twins' Brains, Snape's Gains, Umbridge's Pains
by Fading to Black
Summary: In Which Fred and George, Gred and Forge, Prankster Extraordinaires decide to prank Snape several times over, Snape is a typically cunning Slytherin, and Umbridge is fairly randomly humiliated. Small book AU.
1. In Which Snape's good for a laugh

******Twins' Brains, Snape's Gains, Umbridge's Pains**

**Fading to Black**

* * *

They were Fred and George, Gred and Forge, pranking sensations and successful business men. There was nothing that could go wrong, because they had it all covered. They would prepare the next generation of pranksters and torture Filch at the same time! It was a win-win situation. That is, until a preschool class managed to end up in their shop. Then, it was madness. But they had gotten _that_ sorted out, and in turn had sold many of their Pygmy Puffs to the little buggers. That had been a true mess, true, but it was over and there was no lasting damage (to their shop, that little girl's nose would always be a little more upturned than it had been before) and life was good.

It had been a normal day, though not very busy. That said, it was a weekday and a majority of the population was out working and playing the pranks they had brought. They had seen Snape walking out of the Apothecary across the way, and promptly decided to prank him. They were bored, after all, and a good prankster is never bored long. Though if anyone asked, _of course_ it was advertising. So what if their ex-Professor was the victim of their ministrations. What else could it be?

They had chosen a few items off of their shelves. A small pot of glitter that had a modified sticking charm to make it stick to the first thing it touched, with a repelling charm to keep it from touching the jar itself. A pair of transfigured muggle clown shoes. A portable stormcloud, charmed to follow after the person it was activated above for a half-hour. A couple marbles slicked with oil and spelled to run under the shoes at random intervals, as well as change size. The shoes constricted to make them difficult to remove and had an anti-transfiguration charm on them.

As Snape had turned a corner and gone into a small green near the Apparition point, they acted. An irate Snape who kept tripping over floppy clown shoes and menacingly dangerous marbles and was drenched by rain that only seemed to fall on him looked around for his pranksters. To make it even worse, there seemed to be glitter sticking onto him. It wasn't getting washed away by the rain. It was in his hair and on his eyelashes and turning his practical black robe into a grotesque montage of color. He recognized the twins' handiwork, but he couldn't see the students that had seen fit to use it on him. On_ him_!

Gryffindor was going to lose a lot of points when he got back, he thought. The process was more than cathartic now. Intimidating people was his stress relief, though that little muggle invention called a stress-ball also went a long way towards helping him. And when he found out who thought of it, their House would outcast them on behalf of losing them so many points. _Merlin_, would they.

That, however, was only the beginning. The twins had just perfected their Gender Bending Gummy Bears, and they were eager to test it. The only way to do that was to get to him at Hogwarts, where Snape would let down his guard enough for them to slip him the candy. They closed up shop early. They needed to figure out the semantics of their next prank, after all.

And, even if it turned out that they couldn't test their Gender Bending Gummy Bears for a while, pranking Snape was always good for a laugh.

* * *

A screech was heard from the dungeons, from the resident Potions Maker's quarters specifically, in the early hours of the morning. It was high, and sounded like a woman's screech.

"THESE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!" Snape shrieked, looking into the mirror once more. He was a girl. A _woman._ He had _boobs_. Whoever did this was going to _pay. Dearly._He remembered some particularly painful Dark curses from his Death Eater repertoire that might fit the bill. He screamed again, incoherent in his rage.

Elsewhere in the castle, the Weasley twins, Gred and Forge, pranking extraordinaires, snickered softly. It had taken a little time and some doing (and lock picking) to infiltrate Hogwarts to prank Snape. But it had been worth it. The Gender Bending Gummy Bears, GBGB for short, were, as it turned out, a shrieking success.


	2. In Which Umbridge Is Male

******Twins' Brains, Snape's Gains, Umbridge's Pains**

**Fading to Black**

* * *

Unfortunately for Snape, the Twins didn't give him the antidote to the GBGB directly. Snape spent the first day in his chambers, and the second, only coming out on the third day after a threat from Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore. Needless to say, they were both gobsmacked by the latest turn of events. Well, at least Madam Pomfrey was shocked, he mused. Dumbledore had merely chortled, offered him a lemon drop, and said that at least male and female professors had the same title.

Now he was fuming anxiously. He had chosen looser black robes than he normally did, but it was obvious that he had the body of a female. Worse, he had the first years of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw later today and the Gryffindor and Slytherin second years tomorrow. And Dumbledore had expressly forbid him to cancel his classes to find an antidote. He had the respect of the older students, or at least their fear. He didn't have that for the younger students.

Put shortly, this wasn't going to be fun. Especially since all of the ready-made antidotes he had on hand didn't seem to have any effect, and it was definitely something not to waste a bezoar on. Too damn expensive to replace for something less than life-threatening.

The first class he had was sixth year NEWT students. _Perhaps, _he mused to himself, _the older brats are worse than the younger ones._ Indeed, the sixth years sniggered and snarked and snorted about him when they thought he couldn't hear them. To them, it was amusing. It made him want to give each and every one of those little over-dramatic gossip-mongering dunderheads their own Gender Bender Gummy Bears. In the end, he had taken 70 points from Ravenclaw, 50 from Hufflepuff, 30 from Gryffindor (due to the fact that while he had multiple students from all the other houses, he had a single Gryffindor in this class), and gave detentions left and right (with a few extra to the Slytherin miscreants in private, since he didn't want to take points from his own House.)_  
_

By lunchtime, Snape was seething with hatred, humiliation, and a thirst for revenge. That in mind, he decided to skip lunch in the Great Hall and take an impromptu trip to Diagon Alley to visit a certain set of especially trying twins.

* * *

Three small bells chimed in the shop door, heralding Snape's entrance. The twin that was minding the storefront looked up. First, his eyes came across the oh-so-lovely chest hidden by a black robe. "Well, milady-" And he cut off once he reached the head, particularly the face, attached to the chest he had only moments ago held in such esteem. The black eyes were no longer fathomless as they remembered from school, instead glinting with anger. A fire that only burned brighter after his aborted statement.

"Turn. Me. Back." A voice that was not quite Snape's growled from what was clearly Snape's angular visage.

Infuriatingly, the twin grinned up at the teacher's fear-inducing countenance. "Georgie!" He shouted at the backroom. "Sneering Snape's here already! Pay up!"

Before Snape could ask what they meant by 'already' or give some other irate statement to the twin that turned out to be Fred, as his glare did not seem to adequately express his feelings of utmost ire at the situation and the twins' antics, George appeared. "Already? I'd have thought that he would have tried making his own solution first."

Snape lost his composure. "Not without having any idea of what ingredients you used, you imbeciles! Now, change me back."

George gave three sickles to Fred, ignoring the outburst for a moment. Then they turned to Snape. "We'll give you the antidote-"

"If you will allow us-"

"To take a few pictures-"

"Before and After pictures-"

"So that we can show everyone-"

"Just what our new product does-"

"So, what do you say?"

Snape groaned, acquiescing after a quick glance at his watch. He had fifteen minutes before his next class, and it took seven of those minutes to get down to the classroom. He wanted to be his correct gender before dealing with the incompetent, destructive dunderheads that comprised most of every class he'd ever taught at Hogwarts. No more than the first years' first Potions lesson. "That is acceptable, if you give me the antidote, and a...confection. You'll get your pictures, but I will not be dragged into being in them."

The twins glanced at each other, coming quickly to a decision.

And that was why Dolores 'Damien' Umbridge spent several days as a male. Everyone thought it was a time-delayed prank left by the Twins before they left. No one noticed that Snape snitched one of Creevey's pictures of the humiliation in the ensuing chaos.


End file.
